Patriots, Fellow Republicans, Born worriers:
Forget that North Korea thing!
Our commander-in-chief went where no president has gone before –Singapore –to end nuclear threats from a pipsqueak shit hole of a country.
He claimed he didn’t need any preparation. His arrogance and conceit alone would make that fat little rocket man with the silly do on top of his head see the advantage of not dropping a nuke on LA or Fifth Avenue & 59th Street.
In one minute, he predicted, he would be able to tell if this boy tyrant with enough fissile material to make between a dozen to 60 nuclear bombs, not to mention the hundred or so long range missiles in his toy chest, was serious about being pro-peace.
The results of the sixty seconds that shook the world are now in.
After only five hours, our POTUS, who is also known affectionately by many of his fans as President Plump, was able to fly home with the good news:
“Thanks to me, you will be able to sleep well tonight. There is no more nuclear threat. I alone have solved the insoluble!“
It’s all over now, except for the rewarding of the Nobel Peace Prize, which he had awarded to himself even before he sat down for that important first sixty seconds.
There are those who say what this North Korea thing was all about was a real estate deal, and we of the Justaminutemen are among them.
You could almost hear President Plump, rubbing his hands together, as he explained to this country bumpkin the positives of not destroying the world with nukes. It was bad for the real estate business.
He even showed the press the sales pitch video, which extolled the enemy country’s beaches. “Exploding their cannons into the ocean, right,” it explained. “I said, boy, look at the view. Wouldn’t that make a great condo? You could be the best hotels in the world, right there.”
Who would be more qualified to make the deal with our enemy for the last sixty years than our First Real Estate Gonif, a man who was so smart, and so rich, despite his four bankruptcies and nine failing brands. We wouldn’t have been surprised if President Plump hadn’t pulled out his pen and had Kim Jung Oh No, whatever he called him, sign on the dotted line.
Skeptics might wonder why a tyrant who killed members of his own family, a man who President Plump said loved his people but was starving them, could be trusted to give up his nuclear weapons, or whatever they secretly agreed on? Why shouldn’t he be allowed to keep his nukes, like other friends of democracy such as Pakistan?
Give us another minute we probably could find other things wrong with the Nuclear War No More deal. But what really worries us now is the triumph at Quebec.
Finally, a president with the guts to stand up to Canada!
Arriving late for the G-7 summit, and leaving early, he declared our closest ally and oldest friend, Canada, a threat to national security.
The burning of the White House by the Canadians during the War of 1812 has yet to be avenged, he reminded us. He must have used “South Park” to get his facts. (In truth, it was the British, but that was close enough for a history-impaired chief executive).
Trudeau, who is soft and weak, is stabbing us in the pocketbook, as well as the back, in this tariff war that President Plump has launched. Dairy products 75%, or whatever the number he gave for the injustice! A tariff war is hell.
And, anyway, why aren’t the Russians, included in the G-8 meetings any more?
President Plump didn’t seem to know his friends, the Russians, were being punished for annexing Crimea, meddling in Ukrainian elections, and supplying the weapons that shot down the Malaysian commercial jet.
What worries we, the Justaminutemen, most is our northern border with Canada is completely unprotected.
It would help us sleep better at night, Mister President, sir, if you would build a wall across the border that would keep out all the deplorables from Canada. Every night in the winter months, for example, the TV news is telling us that cold air is coming from Canada. Sneaky Premier Trudeau may be sending it in by truck, our sources say. Refrigerated trucks.
June 19, 2018