Fellow patriots,

We, the Justaminutmen, want to know what the hell is going on with “this Russian thing,” as the president calls the hoax, presumably invented by the fake news cabal that is threatening to overthrow our democracy.

Every night the fake news artists seem to fabricate some piece of evidence making it sound like there was a Marxist plot to elect Donald Trump by interfering in the 2016 election, the most serious assault on our sacred traditions since Soviet spies stole atomic bomb secrets over 70 years ago, secrets now readily available on The Internet.

For all we know, those suspicious characters working for the president are now meeting every Thursday night in the basement of the White House or the Executive Office Building. While knocking back a few vodkas to go with the caviar and blinis the Russian ambassador sends over, they might be singing the Top 40 Russian hit “Dark Eyes”*, plotting their next move in colluding the 2020 campaign.

Unbeknownst to the president, of course. Our last entertainer –in-chief, Ronald The Actor Reagan, claimed he didn’t know what Ollie North and his merry band at CIA were doing underneath his back in the Iran-Contra scam. Or so it was said.

This Russian thing keeps turning up in the drama of this administration like Hamlet’s ghost. We of the Justaminutemen are stunned and infuriated.

How is it possible that a man who won an (almost) honest election, who is now the leader of the greatest military power in civilized world, a man who has surrounded himself with an awesome collection of generals and billionaires, a man who said he is so well-informed by watching TV, he doesn’t need the usual presidential intelligence briefings when he has “Fox & Friends” in the morning and “Hannity” at night.

How could a man who has such an exalted strain of virtue and veracity and public spirit that made him put aside his private interest to serve his country?

How could such a shrewd real estate goniff, who knows all the tricks and angles in deal making not know the Russians were hacking into the nation’s most sacred institution, a free and accurate reliable electoral system in his behalf and not expect a quid pro quo?

In politics, as in life, there is no such thing as free borscht!

What we of the Justaminutemen want to know is he joking about the Russian non-involvement or is he serious?

Unquestioned credible election results are the hallmark of American democracy, in our opinion the best in the world. For centuries there has been no need for international monitors to oversee our elections, unlike Third World nations or even Russian elections.

Since the days of Lenin and Stalin, the Communist democratic system works roughly like this: 98% of its citizens have the freedom to vote for a single candidate. The opposition candidates have accidentally thrown themselves off a roof or are in the gulag and ineligible.

Every American schoolboy knows that Marx and Engels predicted that so-called capitalism, our favorite economic system, would be withering away. Donald Trump and his ilk will be falling to the wayside.

Now we realize the commander- in-chief has other things on his mind. Like a good father, he has been concerned about the financial future of his family, left behind while he does his civic duty by serving his country as its president. True, he has been feathering the nest of his children and three wives, despite the emoluments clause in the Constitutution. But somebody had to make the world safe for the family’s hotel and golf course business.

We of the Justaminutemen think it’s time for the president to stop playing such a dumb cluck, pretending he didn’t know his people were colluding with the Rooskies.

As difficult as it is for him to tell the truth – why he even did an astounding six lies in that press conference with the Greek prime minister the other day – it’s time for him to bite the bullet.

The Communists are the enemy of the people, not the press.

Long past the time for him finally to say nyet to our friends, the Russians, as they try to destroy us.

Of course, by the time you read this, there is always the chance that the commander-in -chief may have gone to his Twitter and denounced the evil empire. “Intervening in an honest election?” the tweet might read. “Disgusting. So Sad.”

Yes, he knew it all long, taking credit for exposing the dirty tricks of the red menace, the big bad bear that lurks in the backyard of the land of the free.

On the off chance that won’t happen, except in our dreams, we of the Justaminutemen have a modest proposal for how to deal with creeping communism.



Marvin Kitman,
Oct. 21, 2017

* Очи черные, очи страстные / Очи жгучие и прекрасные!
   (Black eyes, passionate eyes / Burning and beautiful eyes!)

Marvin Kitman is the author of “The Making of the Preƒident 1789.” “George Washington’s Expense Account” by Gen. George Washington and Marvin Kitman PFC (Ret.) was the best-selling expense account in publishing history.