An Urgent Appeal to the Great American Evangelical Community of Iowa
I realize a lot of your people haven’t made up their minds yet about the caucus tonight. The Undecideds, as the Good Book says, are mighty in an election. There is nothing wrong waiting for God to guide your decision. Forgive me, for intervening in the process with a few hundred words from my heart.
I must say I am disturbed to learn the polls – those instruments of the Devil- are saying some of you are listening to the siren call of Beelzebub’s man in the caucus, and you are about to cast your lot with Donald Trump. If not on the first ballot, but the second or third.
In the immortal words of John McEnroe, screamed in the same decibel as his National commercials, you cannot be serious?
It’s a shock.
I can’t believe you’re even considering a man who is a bigot, a pathologically narcissistic, politically schizophrenic, misogynistic, ethically and morally bankrupt, hypocritical, excessively vain, draft-dodging, charlatan.
And those are the good things you can say about him.
Who ever dreamed God-fearing evangelical conservatives would not, ipso facto, turn a deaf ear on the preachments of a thrice -married sinner, a prevaricator, fornicator, facilitator, a flim-flam artist, a playboy with New York values—and we all know what that means—as your candidate for president of your Christian United States!
A self-made man, who is in love with his creator, a man who can sell you the Brooklyn Bridge, if you haven’t already bought it, a man who no matter how amusing he can be in a debate, is a two-faced, double- dealing city slicker, who not very deep down thinks of the people of Ioway and the rest of the folks in Fly Over Country—defined as the small area geographically between JFK and LAX— as rubes and hicks!
He is the sort of person who can call a worthy opponent a nice guy, he likes him or her, then schlongs him or her with mean, spiteful remarks. He is a man who can stoop to make fun of the physically disadvantaged: Jeb!’s lack of energy, Doc Carson’s sleeping sickness, and Carly’s face.
True, the man can seem like a nice guy. And he’s rich, if you can ignore his three bankruptcies. He doesn’t have to steal anything like the usual politicians. He’s already done that in business making deals.
It’s also true he’s more likable than the other leading contender for your vote, the only Canadian-American in the race. Cruz comes across as nasty, like Pat Buchanan. Elect me, he seems to say, and I’ll give you free root canal treatment. No Novocain. Just root canal.
But what are the Devil’s candidate’s Christian conservative values? A man who can’t even quote passages from the Bible correctly— do you even know what he stands for?
He promises to build a wall across the Mexican border. And get the Mexicans to pay for it. He says it with a straight face. And this is not “Saturday Night Live.”
He’s promising to fix the economy. Everybody will have jobs. Forget a chicken and car in every home, as Hoover promised in 1928. Trump will build a golf course in every community and all your sons will get jobs as caddies?
We just don’t know how he will get anything done. He never gives us details. Trust him. As we used to say in Brooklyn: In God we trust, everybody else pays cash.
Do you really know where he stands on the issues you of Ioway really care about?
You ask him his position on abortion, as one interviewer explained the other night on the cable, and the next thing you know he’s making a speech about term limits.
What does he really think of ethanol? Didn’t he once date her? Or was that Ethyl?
Or farm subsidies those onerous government entitlements that weaken moral fiber by giving you money to not plant peach trees so you can go to Florida to stay at one of his luxury hotels?
Have you ever noticed that he is the one candidate who never makes the rounds of the coffee shops and diners to meet and greet ordinary Ioway folks? Instead he always jets in, makes the rambling campaign spiel, and jets out again. I’ll tell you why: he doesn’t want to look you in the eye. You’d give his game away.
Why, you don’t even know if he’s really a Republican, a closet Democrat, or a card-carrying member of the vegetarian or vulgarian parties, no less a real conservative.
Ignorance is next to Godliness—I may be getting that verity slightly wrong— but let’s face it, you will be getting more than you wished for with Donald. Without meaning to be holier than thou, the man is a pig in a poke, and you know what that means.
He’s treating the good people of Ioway as if they are contestants in a political version of that great American game show, “Let’s make a deal.” Come on down, this Monty Hall is saying, and guess what’s in the box? You are “the traders,” as Monty called the lucky folks who don’t know if you’re getting something of greater value or being zonked!
I knew Monty Hall, being a TV critic, and the Donald is no Monty Hall.
I apologize for minimizing the dangers of voting for Lucifer’s representative on earth, but you get the idea.
It’s your Christian duty to say no to the Big Golden Apple. If he wins in Ioway, he’s on to New Hampshire and running the table. Tonight is well nigh Armageddon for the Grand Old Party.
For God’s sake, stop him!
I couldn’t end without quoting the words of America’s Senator, Ted Cruz, “God bless the great state of Iowa.” Amen.
Feb. 1, 2016