He Lived by the Jungle Law of the Docks

Coming Soon to a Theatre Near You?

We of the Christie for President in 2012, 2016, and the newest entity, 2020—a non-partisan citizens group dedicated to what seemed like the only way getting him out of the state—were shocked by the election returns last week,

For some reason, the defeat of the Republican Party candidate is being blamed on our boy.

The pundits got it wrong.

They lost because of the Republican Party candidate.

The headlines the next morning should have read, as one of my readers has suggested:


To take advantage of the governor’s good name, the Republican Party sachems gave us the administration’s drum majorette.

The silver- tongued orator who left no trace in her eight years of being in the shadow of His Rotundity… No personality… No program… No ideas…No Nothing. Not a strong campaign platform.

She was borrrrring.

Why her? What’s the matter, wasn’t Hughie Addonozio out of jail yet?

It didn’t help that New Jersey is an anti-Trump state. A business genius who fails running a casino –not once, but twice! Running a country? Give me a break. He’s a joke.

The Democrats could have had a candidate named Nobody, and Nobody would have beaten Lt. Gov. NO.

Instead the Democrats picked the ex-Goldman Sachs swindler, Jon Corzine, repurposed as an ex-Goldman Sachs swindler named Phil Murphy. My sources tell me that “Phil” is really Corzine, with thousands of dollars of makeover surgery that didn’t work.

All the smart aleck pundits say, look at the polls.

A person from Maryland in the game of comparing approval ratings told me his governor had an 80% approval rating.

Well, I was able to tell him proudly, ours had a 14%, a remarkable achievement. Somebody has to get the lowest rating in history.

Anyway, the polls are rigged. All of his enemies are out to get Gov. Wideload,

Gov. Phil Corzine will be even more boring than Lt. Gov. NO had she won.

All we are going to be talking about the next four years is the tax thing. What was that 25 cents gasoline tax under Christie –chopped liver?

So it will be another 25 cents added tax to help pay the bribes for highway paving contractors and what’s left will go towards financing the Chris Christie Memorial Tunnel, the third rail one under the Hudson River.

Then Phil will give us legalized pot, as if we didn’t have enough trouble with the opioid crisis; and sanctuary cities filling up while the rich folks following their accountant’s advice to go South because of the highest property taxes in the nation.

I tell you, Gov. Meatloaf is going to be missed.

Only a Goth would not give His Rotundity credit for altering the narrative about New Jersey.

Before “The Miracle of 2013,” as his re-election was called, New Jersey was known for “The Sopranos” (the Mafia). Under the Christie administration it was known around the world for Bridgegate.

What an outrage! Our boy got smeared by Chris Matthews and the rest of the lynching gang at MSNBC That bridge was jammed every day even before the press began exaggerating. All those New York shoppers going home after saving money not paying sales tax at our malls was the problem, even before Christie was blamed for the traffic study.

Why wasn’t the media talking about the California bridge scandal? What, you didn’t hear about it?

Rebuilding the Bay Bridge in San Francisco, the Chardonnay and Brie crowd used Chinese steel because it was cheaper. Budgeted for $1.5 billion, it wound up costing $6 billion. Structural engineers tell me they cut costs by using cold-rolled steel, instead of hot-rolled. Cold-rolled is brittle. It will all snap at the next earthquake.

I didn’t hear a single story on MSNBC covering that bridge too far.

The irony is he could have won in 2012. He was so beloved as a tax- cutting budget-busting progressive Republican making that speech in the Reagan Library in front of all those party notables her could have been nominated by acclamation. Instead he told them he wasn’t ready to be president yet. Little did he realize inexperienced unqualified candidates were the party favorites in 2016?

He coulda woulda been a contenda!

It’s a tragic story worthy of Italian grand opera. He would have been a Woodrow Wilson, our state’s last governor to serve as president, compared to that New York clown, Trump.

Without The Fat One in Trenton, the withdrawal of this ultimate object of scorn from the environment will create a void.

The heavy question now: who is going to tell the people at town hall meetings to shut up and sit down? Who is going to be in New Hampshire running for president?

NEXT: QUO VADIS: Whither Goest Christie?


Marvin Kitman
Nov. 15, 2017

Marvin Kitman’s next book is “Chris Christie’s Expense Account.”

Public Domain Photo of the George Washington Bridge by National Park Service Photographer Jack E. Boucher from Wikimedia Commons.