How I Became One of the Greatest All Time Political Oracles
Prisoner 00045, a 33-foot inflatable chicken that might look a little like the President being transported to Alcatraz Island. Photo: TheTrumpChicken.org
One of the obligations of being a pundit is making predictions.
Nobody likes a person who is always right. Still I had a 98.4% record of not being wrong in 2018.
I’m sometime amazed at my prescience. It’s like a gift from the Gods. In another earlier life, I may have been the spawn of a Delphic Oracle of Mt. Parnassus. I need to check ancestry.com. There may be a Greek family connection in there somewhere.
It is a trade secret how I do it. But I can mention it helps to have oracular vision, and to have mastered the powers of augury, in consultation with the teachings of the Seven Wise Men of Ancient Athens, enhanced with the study of I Ching, chicken entrails, and latest fake news.
A serious predictor focuses his powers in one area. My specialty is the future of the Republic.
Without meaning to be boastful, I was the first to predict that all of the members of The Gang That Couldn’t Loot Straight—Trump Inc.—would be locked up. Not only the seven or nine campaign advisers and consultants already indicted or convicted for lying to the FBI, but family members. I cited Ivanka, Jared, Don Jr., Eric,— all of the Trumpkins, except Tiffany, an innocent bystander (daughter of Marla Maples), and Barron whose only crime may have been selling a father’s autographs to classmates. The mutually exclusive list (whatever that means) also includes the so-called President and First Lady.
I had gone further out on the limb predicting that while their court cases proceeded with all due deliberate speed through the courts, they should be incarcerated at a federal penal facility, the newly refurbished one with the sign in fake gold, Trump Guantanamo Bay Resort & Golf Club (aka Gitmo).) For their own safety.
Pater Trump’s best friend, Vlad the Poisoner, has been known to approve the deadly handshake to even Russia’s former spy heroes. Agent Orange would be no exception for an ex-KGB killer.
True, all this prophecy has yet to come to pass.
My predictions sometimes have been ahead of their time by as much as five minutes.
I try to make at least one prediction a day to keep my faculties sharp.
The daily prediction today is about a coming attraction, the much-anticipated conclusion of the Mueller investigation.
As you recall, the Mueller group for the past year has been examining the possibility that in some way Pal Putin and his Kremlin henchmen had been meddling in our election of 2016, a conclusion reached by 17 of our nation’s leading intelligence agencies.
President Nyet Collusion had begged to differ.
His own investigation found the Russian thing was a hoax, a witch hunt, perpetrated by Crooked Hillary and the Democrats trying to cover up complicity in the death of two children at the border because those penny-pinching unpatriotic enemies of the people refused to fund the wall every real American wants.
Whatever the Mueller investigation will report, in a minority opinion the President of Some of the People All the Time will find himself not guilty.
Whatever the language Mueller will use, according to POTUS, it will corroborate what he has been saying all along. Not only didn’t the Russians deploy tens of thousands of bots to influence the 2016 elections in favor of Donald Trump, the best candidate in the opinion of the Politburo since Earl Browder and Gus Hall of the Communist Party USA ran in the 1932 and 1936 elections! Nor did they support candidate Trump and his dream of building a Moscow Trump Tower Hotel where on a clear day you could see Siberia just to Make Russia Great Again! It’s all fake news.
In short, the opposite of what Mueller will be saying is the truth. So help His Orangeness!
And my last prediction for today is that whatever Tiny Trump writes on his trusty Twitter, no matter what he throws against the wall to see if it will stick, The Base, those 34.9% of real Americans who want the wall, will agree with him.
Jan 5, 2019