The President Who Knew Nothing

Flag of the Know-Nothing Party, 1849-1860

Ignorance Is Strength

Let us assume—and why not; it’s a free country; thus, I am free to assume anything I like—the president is not guilty.

Of what? Anything. Everything. Whatever.

This is a plausible assumption based on my watching the most reliable source of information, more trustworthy than an intelligence agency briefing, the reliable source used by POTUS Himself, “Fox & Friends” on Fox News.

Let us assume further the unfortunate president is just as surprised as we are about all the indictments being delivered by special counsel Mueller.

Mueller’s indictment of 13 Russian cyberwarriors in Russia for meddling in a USA election must have shocked friends of Russia in the 34.9% of our electorate who believe the president won fair and square in 2016.

It also, we can assume, either ruined our commander-in-chief’s best bud Putin’s day or made it, depending on whether Dirty Harry’s rule of law applies in the democratic socialist republics. It certainly certified the value of adding a Commie thumb to free election results.

And then there were the guilty pleas of the growing number of crack members of the president’s campaign team.

I’m not suggesting that people like Rick Gates were on crack or any other drugs, just their adroitness in engineering the primary campaign against 16 of the best and brightest in the Republican Party and the resulting stunning victory over Crooked Hillary. Huge.

With so many names of the faithful being unsealed, and so many president’s men doing the perp walk on cable TV, the Oval Office seems like a crime scene these days.

Of course, everybody knows a man (or woman, transgender, a person, whatever) is guilty until proven innocent. That’s the American way, how the justice system works on our cable news judicial system.

We can further assume that the amount of singing going on in Counselor Mueller’s back rooms these days must sound like Handel’s “Messiah” to fans of good government. By the time he turns off the lights on his investigation, the current administration may go down in history as a leader in the annals of disorganized crime, known as politics.

The first year of the current administration crime wave reminds me of the second Grant Administration’s achievements in the field. The Credit Mobilier Scandal of 1872, for example, nailed 13 members of Congress, a vice president, and the future 20th president (James A. Garfield).

The Ohio Gang was impressive, too. That was a group of poker- playing, whiskey-drinking politicians led by Attorney General Harry M. Daugherty who besmirched the last Republican businessman Warren Harding to hold the presidency. The Secretary of the Interior went to jail for his role in The Tea Pot Dome Scandal of 1923. President Harding also made headlines for keeping a cutie named Nan Britton in the White House umbrella roomm and fathering her child.

With all the unsealed indictments to come, it might help political crime enthusiasts to keep track of the fallen with a catchy nom de crime. I’ll leave it to Fox News to affix a proper label on the gang that couldn’t loot straight.

In the meanwhile, I had been considering “The Russian Connection,” as in “The French Connection.” Or perhaps a variation on “Black Hand,” (Mano Nera, aka The Black Hand Society), as in “The Small Hands.” Instead, for identification purposes in future Trumponicles, I’ll steal a page from a New York business organization, Murder Inc., and henceforth refer to all the president’s men as “Trump Inc.” Or, for short, the Trumps.

Here’s what all the Trumps have in common with that unfortunate man in the Oval Office:

  1. They are all patriots, like the president.
  2. They all would take a bullet for their president, as the Reaganesque test of loyalty went.
  3. They all are liars like the president.

Whatever they are accused of doing in his behalf, we can further assume he didn’t know anything about it.

Actually, a CEO not knowing anything about what his people, pro bono or Sonny Bono, are doing is not as smart as it sounds. Not the sort of thing that would thrill the faculty at the Wharton School, where the unfortunate president claims to be a distinguished alumnus. (In fact, Trump was a transfer student to the undergraduate business school at UPenn—a much lower bar than admission to the Wharton graduate school of business administration.)

But come to think of it, just how much of a business genius is Trump who was smart enough not to release his tax records when you consider his track record of four bankruptcies and nine failing brands?

I will be making further revelations about Trump Inc, led by The Don, the boss of bosses, the capo of capos, who knew nothing about anything, as we watch the Unfortunate Man Who We Elected solidify his place in history as the world’s worse president who knew nothing.


Marvin Kitman,
Feb. 27, 2018

Marvin Kitman is the author of “The Making of the Preƒident 1789.” “George Washington’s Expense Account” by Gen. George Washington and Marvin Kitman PFC (Ret.) was the best-selling expense account in publishing history.