What Was the Big Secret in Helsinki?

The Cone of Silence

In my last learned essay (See The Trumponicles Ep. XIX, 7/22/18), written in the manner of Thucydides’ account of the Peloponnesian War, I was analyzing the Helsinki Summit, which lives in the annals of great summits attended by American presidents, with Potsdam, Teheran, Casablanca and Yalta. That last one was the time Stalin pledged free elections for Eastern Europe. FDR was accused of selling out to Russia at Yalta, as Comrade Trump, excuse me, President, is now being accused of having sold out to Putin in Helsinki.

I ran out of space before I got to say a few words about the BIG mystery of the two hours and ten minutes meeting: what was said behind closed doors in the missing130 minutes, which may remind the president’s enemies of the missing 18 minutes of the Watergate tapes.

As you recall, for some reason, at the president’s request, the summit was conducted in secret with no note-takers or the usual advisers.

For all we know, the two most powerful world leaders may have agreed to divide up the world again into spheres of influence. President Putin was given all the democracies with free elections to meddle in. President Trump was free to kiss up to all the tyrannical autocrats from North Korea to Tajikistan…

And, while he’s at it, help revive the Cold War by undercutting our NATO allies, defaming our EU foes, and sucking up to the Kremlin commissars. “A GREAT deal,” the dealmaker supreme might write on his Twitter feed some day.

With no better explanation of the secrecy, a pundit is free to suspect there was something to hide.

My guess is that whatever took place, it wasn’t the White House foreign policy staff’s idea, whoever is left after the firing of Lt. Gen. H.R. McMasters. The National Security Advisor was let go, my sources say, because the respected war hero used big words that the boss didn’t understand. Our vocabulary-handicapped chief executive didn’t know what the general was saying most of the time.

The designated brain in the current White House calling the foreign policy shots is John (Bomb the Hell Out of ‘Em) Bolton. His answer to any policy question, no matter how complex, is: “Let’s bomb the hell out of ‘em.”

Standard operating procedure before a summit meeting is reviewing intelligence, especially important in dealing with a cutthroat thug commissar like Putin. A big part of his former KGB job as a killer and negotiator was lying. Vladimir the Great makes our liar-in-chief look like George Washington.

The President of Some of the People All the Time did not need to read any intelligence briefings. He goes by his gut.

As a result, he seems to have gone into the 130 minutes behind closed doors with a certain lack of preparation. None of this prevented him from acting like a shill in Putin’s pea-in-the- three shells street game.

As a concerned citizen, I had taken the liberty to send in to the White House suggestion box a few tips regarding how to deal with this con artist:

+Don’t say anything, except “How‘s your golf game, Mister President?” It’s also okay to tell him you were rooting for Russia in World Cup, since USA was eliminated. It was all Obama and Horrible Hillary’s fault.

+Congratulate him again on his last election victory, how you admire the way his opponents always tend to wind up in jail or accidentally throw themselves off a roof.

+ If you need to share any secrets with the leader of Ronald Reagan’s Evil Empire tell him how you have managed to turn the Republican Party into a communist-front organization, as they would have called it in the old days when the Republicans were keeping America safe by finding Commie rats under every bed in Washington.

+ Have fun, but for God’s sake, don’t shake hands or hug an oligarch. They have a way of poisoning even their friends.

Well, what went on behind closed doors?

At the press conference, it sounded as if the president was reading a script from the Politburo’s Ministry of Propaganda.

The USA was responsible for the bad relations between the two countries, he explained. It was all Obama and Hillary’s fault.

Our 16 intelligence agencies were conducting a witch-hunt about this Russian thing. It’s all a hoax.

Trashing his own country, and embracing the enemy, was a great moment in history for the Blame America First movement.

The President couldn’t be that stupid not to realize Putin was playing him as a fool. After all, he told us during the campaign we should vote for him because he was so smart and a genius dealmaker.

All of this is mere speculation.

What really happened behind closed doors to make our president sound like a Chatty Donnie doll: Wind him up, and he says, “Nyet collusion.”

My sources say Putin played his Trump card. Behind closed doors, he was able to play on his SmarterthanYours IPhone the complete unexpurgated Golden Showers videos. That’s why the summit meeting took so long.



Marvin Kitman,
July 27, 2018

Marvin Kitman is the author of “The Making of the Preƒident 1789.” “George Washington’s Expense Account” by Gen. George Washington and Marvin Kitman PFC (Ret.) was the best-selling expense account in publishing history.