The President and the Judge

If I was Judge Kavanaugh…

And I’m not.

I didn’t go to Georgetown Prep or any other private school, where you’re liable to become a self-entitled sociopath.

I didn’t keep calendars of my high school years, which were years mostly I want to forget, listing all the parties I never went to and times I threw up.

I don’t have a gambling problem, bet on baseball games, nor buy four season tickets every year.

I am not maxed out on three of my credit cards, nor in hock for a $100,000 personal loan from Bank of America.

I am not a lawyer or a respected judge in a Federal district court. Thank you for your service, Judge.

My mother was not a judge, and I wasn’t guilty of at least one stupid thing in my teen years that I was too blitzed out to remember.

In fact, the only thing I have in common with the judge of the year is love of beer, although in my case it’s ale. UK ale. Skull Splitter from the Orkney Brewery, the isle of Orkney, Scotland (“5,000 Years in the Making”), 8.5% by vol., is my current favorite.

The judge made his last Judiciary Committee confirmation appearance (Sept. 27, 2018) sound like an episode of “Cheers,” the way he asked several senators what they preferred in way of beverage

It wouldn’t have surprised me if he had a Bud Lite or Coors by his side as he spoke, instead of the steady stream of bottles he kept taking swigs at, as Dr. Ford had of Coke. (My notes read: “What in the world is in the judge’s bottles, given the vehemence of his testimony?)

I can’t pack away more than two “skis,” (as his dairy/calendar referred to brews) before things get too hazy. Enemies of the People (the fake press) made it seem as if prep school boys in the 1980s were drunk as skunks, noting record-setting events of a “100 Keg Club.”

What else was there to do in the 1980s, it could be argued, but drink yourself blind without benefit of Facebook, cell-phones or taking and sending Selfies?

As a duty to my Republican Party, I didn’t have to sit down for an interview on Fox News, as Judge Kavanaugh did (Sept. 24), where I attested my school years were all about my studies, my sports, my community service, and my going to church every Sunday. The judge should have won an Oscar for his performance, saying 17 times, as if rehearsed, all he wanted was “a fair hearing”… and to “confirm his respect for women and his life-long record of promoting dignity and equality.”

For his second performance as the rebuttal to Dr. Ford (Sept. 27), his new act was as the angry jurist, a man who shouted at the committee members. I gave him four Kleenex for the weepy part of how he was not guilty of whatever being charged, before startling dozing senators by screaming it was all a political circus, revenge for losing the election, all orchestrated by the Clintons. Boss Trump couldn’t have written the tirade scene better himself.

The Judge claimed Dr. Ford was ruining his life and career. Even I knew that couldn’t be true. He already had a job for life, provided he does not shoot someone dead on Fifth Avenue, as his rabbi claims he can do. The DC Court of Appeals is not a bad gig for a young lawyer.

His performance as a judge, aside from lacking the judicial temperament and tone we expect from a pillar of rectitude also raised the question of his academic credentials. “Did the vetting process for this candidate for the Supreme Court miss a very major flaw, namely inadequacy in Latin?” asked a source well versed in the legal profession’s mother tongue.

“Despite spending 12 years in Catholic school, Brett Kavanaugh was unable to translate the phrase, “Falsus in uno, falsus in omnibus,” my reliably informed source said. “ Even a Latin know-little like I could have come up with something approximating ‘False in one thing, false in everything.’ Especially since this is a phrase commonly used in connection with jury charges and Kavanaugh has spent a lot of his life in courtrooms.”

This is the kind of “smear, pure and simple” that the judge warned us about on Fox and elsewhere.

As I was saying, if I were Judge Kavanaugh what I would do now is go to the President. Tell him you appreciate his thinking of you. It’s been a great honor to serve as the designated-associate justice these last few weeks, but you have decided to withdraw your name for consideration.

Even at this late date, as I have written, I’m sure the president has a list of other qualified jurists willing to serve. Off hand, you could name Judge Moore of Alabama and Sheriff Joe of Maricopa County.

Between you and me, Judge K, we know why you weren’t that enthusiastic about the coming FBI investigation. You did everything but whistle “Dixie” when the Democratic senators were asking for a “ yes” or “no” on the FBI.

You and I know the Feds will get around to finding your former best bud, Mike Judge, author of the definitive account of the adventures of America’s Frat Boy, “Wasted Years of a Gen X Drunk.” A work of fiction, tales of the hero “Bart O’Kavanaugh” vomiting in cars and at scholarly parties is not going to help your case.

And then the Republican Party can get back to trying to repeal the Affordable Care Act.



Marvin Kitman,
Sept. 30, 2018

Marvin Kitman is the author of “The Making of the Preƒident 1789.” “George Washington’s Expense Account” by Gen. George Washington and Marvin Kitman PFC (Ret.) was the best-selling expense account in publishing history.