A Concerned Citizen Sends Holiday Greetings to the Best President We Have
“Are you still a believer in Santa? Because at 7, it’s marginal, right?”
Mister President, sir:
First of all, thank you for your service. I never dreamed you’d last so long.
Secondly, I am sorry to hear about your foundation. I was planning to send them a donation. Is it too late?
In my humble opinion, you’re doing great, sir, as you yourself opined on the Official Twitter feed the other morning.
My compliments for not awarding yourself prematurely the honorific of GOAT, which in social-mediaese, as you know, is the millennial-friendly laurel Greatest Of All Time.
I don’t know how to tell you this, sir, with all due respect, some of your constituents are disappointed with your performance in office so far.
Well, what did they expect, I tell them—Abraham Lincoln? Another Teddy Roosevelt—or even a Gerald Ford?
They should have known what they were getting when they voted for you: a totally inexperienced, unqualified, real estate guy from Queens who got lucky. You were, after all, a man who did not read Foreign Affairs Quarterly regularly, or anything else for that matter, but the New York Post, and only then Page Six to see if they were reporting the latest bimbo you might be shlonging. The facts were accurate since you made them up yourself, calling them into the desk, disguising yourself as a press agent (using the alias John Barron).
I appreciate it has been an especially bad week for you, sir, with this wall thing.
Some people don’t understand you have the right to act like a spoiled brat and shut down the country because Congress wouldn’t use our tax dollars—not yours, as you explained in the campaign debates, smart people don’t pay taxes—to build the wall that every real American wants.
“It’s my wall,” as you’ve explained, even if it may not be a wall any more so much as “artistically-designed steel slats.”
“It’s my government shut down,” you said proudly, lest the Schumer-Pelosi mob try to steal your mantle.
It’s not only your wall, your shut down, but your army… your generals… your country… “It’s all about me,” as you seem to be saying…. your everything, except maybe the economy now that the stock market is going nuts. Some day the heads on Mt. Rushmore will burst out laughing. They’ll be thanking you for lending all of it to the rest of us.
Some over-critical citizens still don’t understand it’s your right to pull your troops out of those shithole countries in the Middle East. Anyway, Syria and Afghanistan weren’t your countries; they belonged to that putz Bush, who started his Iraq War18 years ago.
Bush, I explain as a sympathetic pundit, has left President Trump, between Iraq and a hard place.
Things are getting so bad, sir, some Republicans in Congress are starting to think you are crazy.
Who told them?
It has been obvious for some time that something was amiss upstairs in the Oval Office. It could be that POTUS suffers from brain freeze, a result of over-indulgence in the nectar of the gods, Slurpee.
Even worse, some of the quick to find fault crowd are starting to notice that your relationship with truth is worse than your relationship with Ivana and Marla.
Keeping track of the number of false statements made by the current occupant or resident in the White House has been a major growth industry. You can’t trust the fake news Washington Post and its widely quoted so-called fake facts, but I swear by the work of a Canadian. The Washington bureau chief of the Toronto Star (Daniel Dale) has been counting every false claim POTUS has made since his inauguration Jan. 20, 2017. As of Dec. 5, 2018, the official count has reached 3,924 false things.
Regarding the number of lies per day or per hour or per minute— you do the math! Whatever, it’s awesome.
The official counter candidly admits the paper can’t be sure each and every false statement was intentional. In some cases, you may have been confused or ignorant. Nevertheless, future historians will say there has never been such a constant liar in the annals of the presidency.
So much for those who say you haven’t made America great in someway.
I hope none of this has distracted you from making your list of those who have been naughty and those who have been nice.
In the meanwhile, keep up your meretricious work. And a Merry Christmas to all. Fake it, if you have to.
Thanks for listening, Mister President.
Dec. 25, 2018