Who Is The Most Embarrassing of All?

Scott Walker Rides His Koch Rocket

The Republican Party, of which I am a card-carrying member, is suffering from an embarrassment of riches. As a former Republican presidential candidate, I am embarrassed by the quality of aspirants who have chosen to make the race for the roses in 2016.

As I look out on the field, which began coalescing with the reading of the last line of the Inaugural Address in 2012, I am reminded of what the Marquis Arconati said of King Charles Albert of Piedmont in the 1850’s. “He was not a very talented man but his belief that he might be one was his great misfortune.”

Right now, the campaign seems to be a race to see who of the untalented legends in their own minds is the most embarrassing of our multitude.

The early front-runner for most embarrassing was Rick Perry, the first of the Gang of 17 to drop out. Amongst his other laurels, the ex-Governor of Texas also seemed to be the dumbest in the stupid wing of the party.

The man who spent the last four years memorizing the names of the three departments he would shut down if elected, and had a make over which included those more intelligent-looking glasses, is now free of his obligation to the common people, the Texas oil billionaires who saw him through rose-colored glasses as being the most qualified to serve as chief executive of the most powerful nation in the world.

As previously noted here, candidate Perry stunned the nation by suddenly leaving the dunce corner on Sept. 11. Taking his Stetson hat out of the ring, he rode into the sunset, back to where the deer and the antelope roam, where he made a name for himself as one of the least thoughtful, most damaging state leaders, a man who had done great harm to immigrants, abortion clinics and people without health insurance, while gloating of the most executed. All of which made him the perfect respected Republican of today.

My friend, Donna, says she is still looking for where to place a flower on something in his memory.

Looking back, actually Perry was only mildly embarrassing. Scott Walker, the second to be carried out on his shield this past weekend, is an acute embarrassment.

Somehow the Governor of Wisconsin had managed to go from the top to asterisk level in the polls that the media swear by, faster than you could say “Koch Brothers.” It’s a damn shame how little millionaires money can buy these days.

What was the secret of the Big Cheesehead’s failure?

Well, his advisers blame the debates. There was his poor showing in Debate #2, which followed his poor showing in Debate #1.

The problem, his advisers claim, is he ranked third in the number of words their candidate got to speak in Debate #1, how some authorities rate so-called debates, which are more like rugby scrums than real debates. He seemed to speak so little the first time because he was getting all his points in before the bell rang. In debate #2 he planned to speak slower.

As the result the people got to hear more clearly what Scott Walker stood for. Big mistake.

Scott Walker was an embarrassment in only three areas: domestic, national and international affairs.

On domestic policy, he had taken 32 or 33 positions on all the major issues. So you could take your choice.

His major foreign policy initiative was building the wall on the Canadian border, an issue that was resolved by the Webster-Ashburton Treaty of 1842, reaffirming the principle of the 49th parallel. But that did nothing, as it has been said, to staunch the flood of Canadians fleeing the tyranny of free health insurance and immigrant hockey players who were taking jobs away from native- born U.S. hockey players.

Some said it wasn’t even an original idea but a Trump-Lite version of the south of the border Trumpian Wall, which would be as effective as the Maginot Line in World War II. Even worse, it would do little to halt the flow of cold air from Canada, which some climatologists tell me is trucked in over night across the border from Canada during the cold months.

All in all, the Walker campaign fell as flat as my last cheese soufflé.

The governor isn’t resting on his laurels. Now that he isn’t running for president he is free to return to his day job as governor of Wisconsin and do his darndest to ruin the state university system, considered one of the finest in the nation, by ending tenure and cutting budget.

As he goes out the door, he remains the only governor who tried to appeal to voters of the Hebrew faith, intending to say mazeltov in a letter, writing “Thank you again and Molotov.” My sentiments, exactly.

But all of these embarrassments are de nada compared to the battle involving our three leading candidates, according to the polls, the troika of Donald, Carly and Uncle Ben, whose asinine ideas and programs are getting more media coverage than the New Deal did in FDR’s day. Stay tuned for the analysis of the exciting race to determine who is the biggest liar of all.



Marvin Kitman
September 29, 2015

The writer ran for president in the Republican primaries of 1964. He lost.