Dr. Trump

I nominate for the Nobel Prize in Medicine 2020 — if he hasn’t already done so himself, in which case I second it — the president of the United States. He deserves the recognition for his finding the miracle cure for covid-19, better known as the novel coronavirus

As the former Queens real estate developer whose previous expertise in the health field was in the science of hand washing explained the afternoon of February 28, the virus thing, which alarmed so many, would be gone by April. The heat of April, apparently, will finish off the problem. It would be like a miracle he was suggesting, I gathered, except in areas where the crocuses were buried in snow. Thank God for global warming, even though it’s a hoax.

What we were seeing in action is yet another thing this president does not get credit for, a demonstration of Trumpscience, a methodology which, given four more years in office, could cure such things as cancer.

The way Trumpscience works:

The president holds an emergency afternoon press conference at the White House warning the people not to panic. The virus thing is nothing to panic about. It’s like the flu.

Later that night, the first handwasher tells his fans at a campaign rally the virus thing is a hoax, engineered by the media and the Democratic Party, like the Russian thing, the Impeachment thing, and all the other things, concocted as excuses to throw the best president we’ve ever had out of office.

This novel theory in pulmonological research is confirmed by the nation’s leading talk radio authority on everything, the blowhard-in-chief and holder of the Trump Medal of Honor, El Gringo Rush Limbaugh. “It’s just a common cold.”

The infectious disease specialists on the medical faculty of Fox News concurred. Hannity, Tucker, Laura Ingraham blasted the fake news cable networks, especially MSNBDC (the president’s little joke about one network being an organ of the Democratic Party).

The problem for all of us accuracy fans about President Plump’s downgrading of a threat is the old credibility issue.

At this terminal stage of his presidency, how do we know when he is telling the truth?

The president is a known liar. His hero growing up in Queens was Nathan Hale. As young Donald remembered the story, the Yale spy who during the Revolutionary War was about to be hung, said, “I have only one lie to give to my country.”

At last count, the Washington Post documented 16,897 false statements, or lies, presented as the truth by the president. Nobody has bothered to tabulate the truths.

To further calm the disloyal, unpatriotic Americans who may be doubting the sociopathic, paranoiac, narcissist leader who sees everything as his, as in his stock market crash, his bubonic plague, if it should come to that, President Plump enhanced his press conferences with a back row of what he called the greatest experts on health issues in his administration.

Grim-faced behind the well tanned, calm as a clam, jolly president, the back row looked like a police line-up. I wouldn’t have been surprised if somebody in the press corps stood up and shouted, “That’s him. No. 4, the one who sexually harassed me during the interview. He’s the father of my love child.”

Actually, the greatest experts in the bureaucracy were fired in the Trump budgetary massacres of 2018 and 2019. The president doesn’t like to have around anyone smarter.

As if that wasn’t enough, the president then announced he is turning over this whole flu thing to the Vice President.

As the stable genius, a very smart genius as he described himself often during the administration’s earlier years, who reads nothing ,the president was appointing a piece of wood to oversee the pandemic.

“Well, he has nothing else to do,” the president was reportedly overheard saying about his choice for the plum job.

Vice President Pence, some of us remembered, is the Indiana governor who during the earlier AIDS crisis in the Hoosier state came out against clean needles, but favored the power of prayer.

Maybe Health Czar Pence’s prescription for solving the problem will be praying the pandemic away,

If nothing else, President Four More Years can blame the plague thing on Pence.

Should all else fail, Dr. Trump has a Trump card in his doctor’s satchel. He is already talking about a new tax cut that should cure whatever ails the electorate in November.

Marvin Kitman,
March 2, 2020

Marvin Kitman is the author of “The Making of the Preƒident 1789.” “George Washington’s Expense Account” by Gen. George Washington and Marvin Kitman PFC (Ret.) was the best-selling expense account in publishing history. His next book, “Gullible's Travels, A Comical History of the Trump Era,” coming from Seven Stories Press May 5, 2020, is now available for pre-order.